I have much to be happy about. I have a wonderful husband that loves me unconditionally and supports me endlessly. My three children are healthy and beautiful. I have my health and my relationship with God that keeps me in awe of everything that I have.
But even with a life that seems, on the outside, to be perfect (as some say without knowing). It does get dark. Very dark. I have been struggling. I hate it. With everything that is so good in my life, why do I really have to struggle so much?
Lizzy is our oldest of three. Born at 40 weeks with a healthy pregnancy, she was never going to be our “oldest”. Our strong leader that the first born usually is. I have grieved this many years go and am ok with it. Grieving milestones has helped me cope over the years. My struggle is real. I am sure that many parents of disabled kids or adults are dealing with. While the urge to judge is strong, please understand, I don’t want to feel this way.
How long do I have to do this? Lizzy has shown little progression over the years. Why would a loving God choose this for my life? What is the plan here? Am I doing something wrong here? I have never prayed for complete healing. Lizzy is a gift. I have always felt that if I did pray for that it would be like exchanging a precious gift for a shiny new one. I just feel terrible about doing that. I am thankful for his gift to us. It has nothing to do with getting a break from her because she is in school everyday for 7.5 hours a day. Mentally, this is hard. My mind is consumed with is Lizzy hungry, tired, having a seizure, needing to be changed, too cold, in pain, happy, upset, etc. All day everyday. I understand that as moms, we do this with normal children too. I get that. There is no mental break. I go to sleep and wake up with thoughts of Lizzy.
I can do this physically because I’m healthy. So as long as I stay healthy, this is possible. But there is a chance that I could break down mentally. It happens. It is real. I know this. I know a lady that I respect more than anyone. She cares for her 35-year-old daughter who is more disabled than Lizzy is. I reach out to her when I am struggling. I cried when I read her response to my struggle. Honestly, I don’t want to do this for 35 years.
So this is how I have been praying recently. Just like I am taking to a friend…God, can you either a) heal her? or b) take her? because this is becoming too much for me. Do you want to see me struggle? I was talking with Emily and Jack about this. Jack says, “yes, mom, you should pray for Lizzy to be like us.” Lizzy will be 16 this year and I am ready. Ready for a change.
I have never had nor currently have thoughts of hurting her or myself.
I have been told that my struggle helps others. That my words gives others encouragement and strength to make it through their day. I know that other moms with kids like Lizzy are struggling.
I am thankful, I really am.
I am blessed and I know it.
How long Lord?